Having once again failed to provide any trains for a long period from Brighton this evening Southern Rail have issued the following statement.
‘We are committed to providing a service even though we have failed to provide anything of the sort for a very long time. We recently took the extraordinarily brilliant measure of cancelling 350 trains a day to allow passengers to have more confidence that an incompetent organisation like us might be able to manage the relatively simple task of getting a metal object to roll along a fixed track between any two places at least once a day whereas a few times was clearly a big ask.’
‘However we have noticed on social media – even though we never do anything so crass as to actually respond to you – that some individuals are still not happy‘
‘This is very strange but we think we have found the underlying cause.’
‘We want to take this opportunity to remind people who would perhaps be passengers – in the unlikely event of there being anything to step onto – that the number-colon-number pattern that we identify trains by is
just the name of the train.’
‘We have noticed a considerable confusion amongst the largely stationary public – who for perhaps historic or cultural reasons still seem to associate for example the 16:42 with something to do with the time the train might be expected to leave or depart. We do want to reiterate that this is not the case – it is just the name of the train.’
‘We would have hoped that by now the aspirationally travelling public would have realised this, but we take this opportunity to help everyone understand that this is simply a misunderstanding’.
‘We hope that by taking the extraordinary thoughtful and caring measure of clarifying this folks will be a bit more relaxed as they miss their classes, their theatre, their dinner dates, can’t spend time with their loved ones or get to work or home again even though they pay us a fortune in the hope that they might be able to get somewhere’.
‘And just to make sure that everyone understands we will continue to broadcast the fact that we are very sorry for the inconvenience this misunderstanding about the names of our trains may have caused over every loudspeaker we can find, in every single station that you are trapped on, very loudly, every 23 seconds and remind you until you just want to DIE that you can got WWW.whatever all will be OK even though you have a brain and you realise that you don’t need the WWW bit’.
‘We just want to make sure that you loose all the will to live and just curl up on the platform and don’t ever complain that we are allowed to get away with this complete CRAP and continue to charge you a fortune for us to be a patronising, clueless, useless bunch of shits and put you through complete and utter misery’.