I am trying to find my way in tango

For a few days now I have felt like I am walking very slowly forwards into some dark place – reaching blindly into the gloom  in front of me. My feet are slowly exploring, unsure of the floor ahead of me.

At times I am turning and lost, going away from whatever it is that I am trying to find. Shadows gesture vaguely as I slowly pass them by – in this dark place they may be encouraging me, protecting me, or pointing the way –  they may be a distraction – I can never be sure and so I hesitate and falter. I misread them.

child dark

My hands are held out in a gesture of some kind of protection, but also to try to find something. Or someone. They are soft and inquisitive – they offer no protection, simply  trying to warn me if something is there before I clumsily collide with it.

It seems that what I am looking for might be very fragile, and that in the act of finding it I might be clumsy, and break it.

I feel a definite sense of something missing. This has been with me for a while. That it should no longer be like this, this journey. It was and I understood that – but not any longer, now this is simply wrong. I wonder what this means. At times it feels that this is the longing of Tango and this is just how it is, in other moments I am sure that Tango itself is trying to resolve that longing, and to do that I need some new experience, that I need to unlock some key to a higher level.

It feels like I have reached some kind of crossroads. That I need more, but I know that as always what I need must come from within me, that others can only guide me – they cannot take my place. They cannot dance for me.

When that is what I sense I feel both calm and panic at the same time. Calm that I understand I need something and I can accept that, fear that I might not find it.

Panic that I might not be able to breathe any more, that I will be left alone in this darkness. That everything will become too much for any one person to bear.

That I might break her in the act of finding her.

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