I never want to be confident at Tango – NEVER EVER

I am quietly confident in some things. Not many but some. Tango isn’t one of them.

I have lived in many countries. Succeeded – perhaps – a bit – at some things.

I did – however – once earn the unconditional love of a wonderful dog. That was truly amazing. Breathless and mystifying. Absolutely everything else in my life has been in some way explainable.

And so now I wait. I watch, and I seek.

I see people who are quietly confident in Tango. They comfortably execute things without risk. They have a nice time together. They are civil and have tea. And cakes. I turn away.

I watch people who are noisily confident in Tango. I turn away.

I watch people with agendas. I turn away.

Tango is one of the only two things in the world that I never want to be confident in.

True Tango is about exploration and personal risks, and risks  are never comfortable.

I learn as best I can, all of the time. That’s what I do. But I am not chasing confidence, I am chasing an increased understanding and better technique so that I can truly feel the music and the excitement. I am pushing boundaries and those boundaries are the edges of me. They define me. Edges do that.

I am chasing a miracle. The only time I was ever able to touch it was when it was wearing the most beautiful, intelligent, soft brown eyes. And those eyes taught me so much, they helped to define me.

I really, really pray that I never think – even for a heartbeat – that I have caught up with Tango – that I am in any way ‘confident’.

I desperately want to stay terrified. Always. I want to feel him again. I want Tango to feel everything I have to offer and to stare straight back at me – to quietly question me.

To share everything, without words, without agendas.

For the second time in my life.

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