After this year – which has been the worst time in my life – I feel so strongly that I am now coming out the other side.

I was sitting today in Sadlers Wells watching the Ballet Rambert and I just thought “it’s working” –  this is what I want to do. This kind of life, the life that I am constructing now. 

I  do now want to let the barriers that I have had to put up over the last 15 years of crap completely go. It seemed that in the darkness of the theater I could feel them finally fall away, and I could sense the rush of excitement that was pushing against them just come flooding in. 

I so want to find myself again. And I am.

I know its not going to be easy, but I am rebuilding something – an attitude and a world view that I always wanted to be, that  I did once have – but has been lost to me for well over a decade. Multiple, thought provoking experiences. Pushing myself in areas that are uncomfortable – new experiences, travel, writing, the arts. 

I am even thinking that I can actually improve on my old self from 15 years ago, build on it and leap over it – not just get back to some baseline but become something quite different. I have been through a nightmare but out of that experience comes lessons, wisdom and new opportunities.

I feel I can be softer,  able to let things in because my own world is finally strong and not built on sand. It is a new place for me but I no longer need to be defensive – I can be comfortable both with where I am and where I want to be.